Conversations with Boobs

Pregnancy does all sorts of unique, exciting things to the human body. Most are uncomfortable. Boobs are no exception. I know, people read Boobs and think it's going to be some salacious sexy post.... No. It's really not. Pregnant body boobs are like whiny four-year-olds you must house in a bra of proper specifications to avoid misery. Here's the joy of boob changes in several conversations.

Last Month
Boobs: Did you notice? We're getting bigger.
Me: Yeah... That's kind of obvious.
Boobs: We thought you should know. BECAUSE EVERYTHING HURTS NOW.
Me: I SAID I KNOW.
Boobs: No more bras! EVER! We REFUSE!
Me: FINE. *goes bra-less*

One Hour Later...
Boobs: We aren't happy. We told you EVERYTHING HURTS so now you're without a bra? Are you  
           some kind of monster??
Me: FFS! YOU SAID NO BRAS.
Boobs: EVERYTHING YOU DO MAKES US ANGRY!

One Week Later...
Boobs: Your bras don't fit. Are you trying to crush us to death? This is ridiculous.
Me: FINE. We'll go shopping.
Boobs: Too tight.
*next one*
              Too itchy
*next one*
              WTF! Can't you just find a bra that isn't some contortionists NIGHTMARE?
Me: DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUN FOR ME EITHER? AUGH!
Boobs: Fine. the last one. Let's just get the hell out of this store.
Me: Agreed.

One Week Later...
Boobs: You remember the lady at the store who fitted you for a bra? The one who was REALLY REALLY sure we needed a C cup, so we bought the fancy nursing bras there?
Me: Yes...
Boobs: The new bras are too small!
Me: FFS! WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME?
Boobs: IT'S NOT OUR FAULT THAT YOU GOT PREGNANT! BLAME THE UTERUS!
Me: Goddammit. *back to the store*

One Week Later...
Boobs: We like this bra.
Me: That's great.
Boobs: Just one problem...
Me: For gods sake, WHAT NOW?
Boobs: Your bra is damp.
Me: What the hell?
Boobs: SURPRISE! WE REMEMBERED HOW TO LACTATE!
Me: There are not enough words to express how much I hate you right now.